Moran Mazor of Israel performs her her song, Rak Bishvilo, (Only for You) during a rehearsal for the second semifinal of the Eurovision Song Contest at the Malmo Arena. (AP Photo/Alastair Grant) Source: AP
WE'VE watched hours and hours of Eurovision contestants so you don?t have to.
From a Sarah Palin lookalike to a bloke dressed in a spacesuit to the inevitable heavy-metal act from the continent's deeper recesses and an act with an accordion ... oh, and '80s balladeer Bonnie Tyler .... (deep breath).
Here’s our guide to the people who’ll have you dancing and laughing uncontrollably until this weekend when Eurovision comes to you (not quite live) from Malmo on SBS.
Heads up – this year’s drinking game could involve doing a shot every time an act has a dubstep part shoehorned into their song.
Spoiler alert: the semi-finalists have been decided but won't screen here til Friday. If you really need to know who made it through, scroll tot he end of the story.
THE TOP 5
These are the songs that won’t leave you weeping. Although as a rule anything half decent gets voted out very early on so quality often has little to do with it
BELGIUM
Artist: Roberto Bellarosa
Song: Love Kills
Verdict: Rob won the first Belgian version of The Voice. The 18 year old, who has caterpillar eyebrows, has a very modern Europop sound. His accent works in his favour, and the chorus is a cracker. This is another one that could easily slip into commercial radio playlists. We likey.
DENMARK
Artist: Emmelie de Forest
Song: Only Teardrops
Verdict: Another contender. Emmelie is just 20, and she does a good job of steering this tune that’s a bit folky (pan pipe alert) with piano and acoustic guitar in the verses before a big pop injection in the chorus. Expect lots of live drummers on stage.
FRANCE
Artist: Amandine Bourgeois
Song: L’enfer Et Moi
Verdict: Ooh, we like when square pegs get through at Eurovision. Amandine looks like Courtney Love and has a smokey, jazz vibe to her voice. She also looks like she might kick the judges in the face if they don’t vote for her. The lyrics are a touch stalky towards an ex, and the prowling tone should stick out like a sore thumb on the night. In a great way.
THE NETHERLANDS
Artist: Anouk
Song: Birds
Verdict: Anouk’s had a taste of international success – and she brings a touch of indie to Eurovision. Tore Johansson, who’s worked with the Cardigans and Franz Ferdinand, co-wrote the beautiful but rather odd track. It’s got a Lana Del Rey vibe, but Anouk’s distinctive and possibly divisive voice is a good antidote to the cheese on display. This should stand out on the night – for better or worse.
SWEDEN
Artist: Robin Stjernberg
Song: You
Verdict: the hometown hero is sadly not Sweden’s other Robyn. This dude is an Swedish Idol graduate and looks a little like a cross between Adam Lambert and Rick Astley. Unfortunately his song isn’t that exciting, but it’s a pretty good pop tune that lets his voice shine. The chorus, where he drags the word `you’ out to have about 13 syllables, is likely to get stuck in your head.
And here’s the rest.
ALBANIA
Artist: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko
Song: Identitet
Verdict: Albanian hard rock sung in their native tongue by a dude who thinks he’s John Lennon circa Sgt Peppers? No, we’re good thanks.
ARMENIA
Artist: Dorians
Song: Lonely Planet
Verdict: Hang on, this song was written by Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath! It’s delivered by monobrowed vocalist Gor Sujyan. Null points.
AUSTRIA
Artist: Natalia Kelly
Song: Shine
Verdict: Just 18, Natalia’s song is a little more quirky than your usual Eurovision fare. Hey, there’s real instruments! And the girl can sing. And play piano. Comes with the obligatory huge key change at the end.
AZERBAIJAN
Artist: Farid Mammadov
Song: Hold Me
Verdict: Farid is just 21, knows his way around a nice suit and also a nice ballad. He also has the classic boy band reverse arm pump down pat. Expect it to be busted out on the finals.
BELARUS
Artist: Alyona Lanskaya
Song: Solayoh
Verdict: Third time lucky for Alyona, who’s been desperate to crack it for a shot at Eurovision. Remember Holly Valance’s Turkish-sounding Kiss Kiss? This uptempo track sounds just like that. It’s very, very Eurovision. Bonus points for including the word ‘kismet’.
BULGARIA
Artist: Elitsa Todorova, Stoyan Yankulov
Song: Samo Shampioni (Only Champions)
Verdict: This is the kind of stuff you only see on Eurovision. Bulgarian folk meets dance with heavy, heavy percussion. It’s a drummer’s idea of heaven.
CROATIA
Artist: Klapa s Mora
Song: Mizerja
Verdict: move on, there’s nothing to see here. They look like accountants but sing in a traditional Croatian manner about hard times. It sounds like Il Divo being joined by your drunk uncle.
CYPRUS
Artist: Despina Olympiou
Song: An Me Thimasai
Verdict: sung in Greek, Despina’s song starts out all Celine Dion before someone throws in some beats to make sure no one’s nodded off. Comes with the mandatory big notes towards the end.
ESTONIA
Artist: Birgit
Song: Et Uus Saaks Alguse
Verdict: In English it means New Beginning. Which is apt as Birgit will be performing pregnant. It’s your by-numbers Eurovision ballad, with a bit of slide guitar throughout to make it a little bit country but completely not rock and roll.
FINLAND
Artist: Krista Siegfrids
Song: Marry Me
Verdict: From The Voice Finland, Krista is like a perky, annoying mix of Katy Perry and Ke$ha, with added wedding bells in her song. It has gained a whole new audience with a gay-themed version going viral, as they say.
F.Y.R MACEDONIA
Artist: Esma & Lozana
Song: Pred Da Se Razdeni
Verdict: Esma’s an older lady and she’s going to set social media ablaze when she comes on stage. Lozano has a bit of an Anthony Callea thing going on vocally. They fit together like concrete and cheese. Don’t you love Eurovision.
GEORGIA
Artist: Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani
Song: Waterfall
Verdict: Another power ballad. An intense duet. Lots of spreading arms and meaningful looks. You know the score. Go make a cup of tea.
GERMANY
Artist: Cascada
Song: Glorious
Verdict: Remember Cascada? The hit Evacuate the Dancefloor? It’s been a few years between hits so why not try their hand at Eurovision. It’s their usual storming trance house that’s uplifting enough to poll very strongly.
GREECE
Artist: Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis
Song: Alcohol Is Free
Verdict: Picture a Greek Cat Empire. In kilts. We’re not sure why either.
ICELAND
Artist: Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson
Song: Ég á Líf
Verdict: It means "My Life". Forget the hippie-meets-heavy metal looks, this Nordic ballad from one of Iceland's brightest emerging singers could be the dark horse.
IRELAND
Artist: Ryan Dolan
Song: Only Love Survives
Verdict: Well, at least it’s not Jedward. Ryan’s song goes all David Guetta in the chorus. Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care --- about this inoffensive song. He’s got a nice voice though.
ISRAEL
Artist: Moran Mazor
Song: Rak Bishivlo
Verdict: Big voice, big notes. Mazor, a reality TV show star from Israel, channels Nana Mouskouri with the standard 21st century vocal gymnastics.
ITALY
Artist: Marco Mengoni
Song: L’Essenziale
Verdict: Even the most ignorant has seen enough Italian menus to realise it means The Essential. And Marco mixes a gravity-defying quiff with logic defying sideburns. It’s a nice piano ballad that takes on a Nashville twist half way through, before a big power ballad happy ending.
LATVIA
Artist: PeR
Song: Here We Go
Verdict: It stands for Please Explain the Rhythm. Keytar, beat boxes and bad rapping. Oh Eurovision, you spoil us. You really do.
LITHUANIA
Artist: Andrius Pojavis
Song: Something
Verdict: Andrius has to tell you something. He forgot to shave this morning. Oh and he wants to be in Coldplay. And he smiles when he sings. A lot. The smiles and the dancing eyebrows may distract you from the fact he’s (whisper it) not very good.
MALTA
Artist: Gianluca Bezzina
Song: Tomorrow
Verdict: Sung in English, with a catchy ukelele riff, this little gem could surprise a few.
MOLDOVA
Artist: Aliona Moon
Song: O Mie
Verdict: It means One Million. There’s a lot of drama in this one – which is lucky as it starts off a bit Enya. And the last 30 seconds pumps up the drama to Home and Away levels.
MONTENEGRO
Artist: Who See
Song: Igranka
Verdict: Wacky alert! His hip hop trio feature two dudes whose white rapping skills are right up there with the bald guy from Aqua responsible for ‘come on Barbie let’s go party’. They’ve also shoehorned dubstep into their track to try and tap into the zeitgeist. Well, it’s no worse than the latest Psy song. Will the bikini-clad girls cage fighting near power tools from the video be replicated on stage? If so call health and safety. This is our favourite part of the (clumsy) English translation of the lyrics ``I need a party that won't stop while the hot girl is shaking, hot is like in oven up to 200, head flies, strobe flashing, beat goes crazy in my head, burn down bag, give me a drink, grill, garlic, parsley and fish, give me all so I can overeat.”
NORWAY
Artist: Margaret Berger
Song: I Feed You My Love
Verdict: Another interesting choice – think Bjork with Nine Inch Nails trying to write a pop song for her.
ROMANIA
Artist: Cezar
Song: It’s My Life
Verdict: Another one that’s going to set Twitter ablaze. Once people stop laughing. Cezar sing twee Europop in extreme, testicle-endangering falsetto. Oh and there’s dubstep as well.
RUSSIA
Artist: Dina Garipova
Song: What If
Verdict: Eurovision loves a big ballad, and here’s another. Dina is another graduate from The Voice – she won the Russian franchise last year. So she can sing and powers through the skyhigh notes with ease. This ticks all the Eurovision boxes so should soar through the finals.
SAN MARINO
Artist: Valentina Monetta
Song: Crisalide
Verdict: Standard power ballad, sung in Italian. Move along, nothing to see here.
SERBIA
Artist: Moje 3
Song: Ljubav Je Svuda
Verdict: It roughly translates as Love is Everywhere. And it’s another Eurodance track from a trio discovered on The First Voice of Serbia who want to be Destiny’s Child but wind up more like the Pussycat Dolls.
SLOVENIA
Artist: Hannah
Song: Straight Into Love
Verdict: Ooh, it’s dubstep. How cutting edge. Hannah can wail and the song sounds like it could slip quite easily between Rihanna, Rihanna and Rihanna on commercial radio. Has dramatic bits that will no doubt be soundtracked by pyrotechnics on stage. If they’re not, it’s a lost opportunity.
SPAIN
Artist: ESDM
Song: Contigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)
Verdict: Hang on – the Spanish entrant has Celtic bagpipes? Very polite female vocals that get a bit lost when it rocks out towards the end. Fingers crossed for live bagpipe players though.
SWITZERLAND
Artist: Takasa
Song: You and Me
Verdict: One of them is 95 years of age, which makes him the oldest Eurovision contestant to date. Fingers crossed he makes it through to the end. The song? Did we mention one of them is nearly 100?
UKRAINE
Artist: Zlata Ognevich
Song: Gravity
Verdict: Zlata will look great on camera. And she’s got a booming voice. But there’s some weirdness abounding here – some dude in the background who thinks he’s on a world music record and perky synthesizers that abruptly stop it from being a Celine Dion track. But these kind of strange changes actually work in your favour on Eurovision.
UNITED KINGDOM
Artist: Bonnie Tyler
Song: Believe in Me
Verdict: Another dud from the UK. Bonnie’s song comes from seasoned hitmaker Desmond Child. She’s got the pipes to soar vocally, but it’s no Total Eclipse of the Heart. No bright eyes will be turning around for this yawnfest. Can’t they just get One Direction or someone to do it? Even Leona Lewis. Someone. Anyone. Seriously. However Bonnie’s quite honest about her love of Botox, so at least if she wins or loses she’ll have a permanent poker face.
Eurovision Song Contest, SBS One, Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 7.30pm
Spoiler: After the first semi-final on May 14, the countries that will go through to the finals are Moldova, Lithuania, Ireland, Estonia, Belarus, Denmark, Russia, Belgium, Ukraine and the Netherlands.
In the second semi-final on May 16 are Armenia, Azerbaijan, bulgaria, Macedonia, Finland, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Israel, Latvia, Malta, Norway, Romania, San Marino and Switzerland.
The final of Eurovision 2013 will be on May 18. Six countries are guaranteed a place in the final: France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Sweden and the United Kingdom.
- additional reporting: Chris Bartlett
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